I don't know what is going on with me these days. I have so many mixed emotions in my head. Not any particular thing just- everything. I have been feeling so insecure. Which is not that weird for me. But I think my insecurity boils down to a combination of hair school, new ward, new friends, family issues and work. Did I leave anything out? Oh, and my forever growing waistline. All these things are causing me stress in some way. And I just am going to up-chuck it all right now. So excuse me in advance.
I must be one of those people who cares too much. Robbie is always telling me I worry too much. Which I couldn't agree more. I do worry too much. But what he doesn't understand is that I. just. can't. stop. I can't help but wonder(worry) is this what my life is going to be like? Worrying all the time? Always second guessing myself, wishing I said something different or acted differently? Wishing I was better at everything.
I am happy with the direction my life is taking. But I think I have a lot of expectations for myself. And I get frustrated when I feel like I am slipping. I know it is my own fault. I have a lot going on in my life- just like everyone else. I understand we are all busy. I just wish I could take a vacation. I've been fantasizing about going on a big vacation somewhere far like Greece or New York either one would work just fine. I don't know how to get my life back in balance without taking out one of the big stress factors. But just thinking about taking out something makes me worry.
One thing I have been thinking about lately is how others view me and if I view myself the same way others view me. I feel like I am not as nice or as patient as I used to be. What happened to me? I feel like a insecure 8th grader all over again, trying to be cool, wanting to be cool so bad. I think I have come to realize that adults are the same as 8th graders, nothing has changed. Everyone wants to be cool. I just hate the "trying" feeling. I hate being the one who is trying so hard to be cool or so hard to be the nicest. I hate fighting for people's attention. It is exhausting. I have been trying lately to just be myself. It is a lot harder than I expected. And then I think to myself. Am I the only person who thinks these things??? Am I the only person who has to try hard to be themselves? I hope I am not the only person. But maybe I am.
Up-chuck completed for the night. Thanks.
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Wish I was still in Wymount so we could have another long talk on your steps :) You're so not alone in this either- #1. You're a woman and #2 You've got a lot going on. Call if you ever get a moment! We could even video chat!!! We miss you guys a lot
ReplyDeleteKelli! This has been on my mind a lot lately--you are not the only one! I'm always analyzing what I do and say and wishing I did/said things differently. Whenever I see you, though, I always leave thinking, 'I should be more like Kelli!' So, whatever you perceive your faults to be, I don't see them. You are on my short list of best people I know.
ReplyDeleteKelli! You have nothing to be insecure about EVER! You are one of the funniest, kindest, most beautiful people I know and I love to be around you! I really feel so lucky to have you in our family because I've never met anyone like you.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are really, really COOL. You are so cool that I wasn't sure if you would like me when you and Robbie were dating because I am just not cool enough.
It's so normal to be insecure. Things get so, so, so much better as you get older. Just in the last ten years I have grown so much and am so much more comfortable with who I am. But, still insecure in a lot of ways.
You blow my mind with how much you have going on, and my advice would always be to slow down and eliminate something, but I know you like to be busy so I don't know what you should do. But things will definitely get better in time!
I think this is perfect. You have put into words what so many woman in the world struggle with, but sometimes we all forget that others feel the same way. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteKelli! You are most definitely not the only one. At all! I've noticed that whenever my life changes a lot I feel this way more than normal. And you definitely have lots of change and lots going on! You are seriously so wonderful in so many ways though and I feel SO lucky to have such an amazing sister-in-law as you. LOVE YOU!
ReplyDeletesounds like President Uchtdorf's talk was perfect for you. be calm cuz he's telling you to be lazy :)
ReplyDeleteOh, Kelli, you are not alone. You are just a married woman. I do believe that you have a lot more on your plate than most so I am not suprised by the feeling over being overwhelmed. You are amazing just the way you are. And that vacation...Take it! I hear Texas is great this time of year as well so pack your bags, come on down, and I will take care of you!
ReplyDeleteDon't fear-- I'm pretty sure we're all in the same boat. I feel those ways, too! When life gets intense, I just try to take it one day at a time. Do something for YOU! And by the way, I think you're great! I wish we lived closer to all you cool Matthews. :)
ReplyDeleteKelli, I absolutely love this post. I'm with you in feeling like I want to do everything well, but sometimes feel like I'm not doing ANYTHING well. Gosh, I guess I feel like that all the time mostly. But hey, we have each other. We need to just chill out and party hard haha because you deserve it!
ReplyDelete