Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Up Chuck

I don't know what is going on with me these days. I have so many mixed emotions in my head. Not any particular thing just- everything. I have been feeling so insecure. Which is not that weird for me. But I think my insecurity boils down to a combination of hair school, new ward, new friends, family issues and work. Did I leave anything out? Oh, and my forever growing waistline. All these things are causing me stress in some way. And I just am going to up-chuck it all right now. So excuse me in advance.

I must be one of those people who cares too much. Robbie is always telling me I worry too much. Which I couldn't agree more. I do worry too much. But what he doesn't understand is that I. just. can't. stop. I can't help but wonder(worry) is this what my life is going to be like? Worrying all the time? Always second guessing myself, wishing I said something different or acted differently? Wishing I was better at everything.

I am happy with the direction my life is taking. But I think I have a lot of expectations for myself. And I get frustrated when I feel like I am slipping. I know it is my own fault. I have a lot going on in my life- just like everyone else. I understand we are all busy. I just wish I could take a vacation. I've been fantasizing about going on a big vacation somewhere far like Greece or New York either one would work just fine. I don't know how to get my life back in balance without taking out one of the big stress factors. But just thinking about taking out something makes me worry.

One thing I have been thinking about lately is how others view me and if I view myself the same way others view me. I feel like I am not as nice or as patient as I used to be. What happened to me? I feel like a insecure 8th grader all over again, trying to be cool, wanting to be cool so bad. I think I have come to realize that adults are the same as 8th graders, nothing has changed. Everyone wants to be cool. I just hate the "trying" feeling. I hate being the one who is trying so hard to be cool or so hard to be the nicest. I hate fighting for people's attention. It is exhausting. I have been trying lately to just be myself. It is a lot harder than I expected. And then I think to myself. Am I the only person who thinks these things??? Am I the only person who has to try hard to be themselves? I hope I am not the only person. But maybe I am.

Up-chuck completed for the night. Thanks.