Thursday, December 12, 2013

Here's my Latest.

 Hello blog world. To be honest I haven't been doing very well lately. Not good, but not horribly bad either so don't worry too much. I've been feeling really insecure about myself in all sorts of ways. I think that's okay, it helps me work on my confidence and not letting others/situations get to me. But I really hate the feeling, ya know the feeling? Things that have contributed to my insecurities are: I started a new job here at a dental office, trying to make friends but not forcing it,  having new clients to please, gaining weight and trying to lose it, being in a calling at church that really challenges me, wanting to start a family but having to be patient-- I just feel like a fish outta water over here! 

I just need a place to write out what's going on in my life and for some reason the world wide web feels safe? I feel so disconnected from my old life in Utah. I miss it so much. So much. But I'm proud of myself for making this life in Kansas work. In a lot of ways, I wish I was doing better, I expected it to be easier by now. I think a big part of me is anticipating going home in a couple weeks and I'm worried. Going home will be so much fun but a lot of pressure too, to make every minute count.  I can't even think about our flight back to Kansas. I'll be a mess. I don't even hate it here, even though it sounds like it. I think I'm just a sensitive soul. I'm very sensitive to my family, and I guess you could say I'm highly sensitive to change. This week has just been a weird one for me. The three weeks before this I was so busy. I was training at the dental job so I was there almost full time on top of doing lashes. Then there was Thanksgiving, we had Robbie's sister here for a week. Which was the highlight of my time here in Kansas, we had so much fun and it felt so good to be with family. Last week and this week have been slower, this week especially. I've had too much time to think. I've done a lot of good reflection along with a lot of Sex and the City reruns.

I've been thinking about what my purpose is here in Kansas like I've mentioned before. Should I try doing hair for reals, like in a real salon with real scary clients? Should I just keep doing what I'm doing-- juggling lash clients with a dental office job? It's working out pretty good for the most part. I just don't want to regret not doing hair, but I just don't have it in me now to put myself through the pressure, it's like I want someone to hold my hand while I start cut and coloring hair on my own. I just see all my friends who are graduated from college some even going through their masters and I feel like a big fat failure. I know, I know, I have marketable skills of doing eyelash extensions and hair, but like I just said, I don't know if I will ever do hair. I'm pretty good at eyelashes but that's definitely not the highest aspiration I have for myself. I think being here has made me realize how badly I want to be a mom. Can I just be a mom now? I'm worried that once I become a mom, I'll regret not doing hair or something more with my 18 months of hair school and thousands of dollars of student debt.

I'm just going to keep on going and hope that I can make best of my life and that I'll be happy and satisfied. I have been blessed. I have grown so much while being here. It's been really hard. Have I said it's been really hard yet? Eventually, I would like to move on to the next stage of life, but I guess Heavenly Father knows I'm obviously still adjusting to this stage.


Sunday, September 22, 2013

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

Today is Sunday and Sunday's are bittersweet for me. Bitter- because Sunday's in Kansas really make me miss home where I'm surrounded by family. Sweet- because I get to spend the whole day with Robbie with no interruptions which is a nice change for us. Sunday's in Utah were never spent alone, we always had dinner plans with family.  It is nice to be on our own. I even cook on Sundays-- which I hardly ever (never) did in Utah. So I'm grateful for the time now to cook and learn some of my favorite recipes.
Today I'm making my all-time favorite pork taco recipe that my dad makes. For dessert I made Black Bottom cupcakes that I love that my mom makes. I do enjoy cooking, but in my opinion it costs a fortune to cook for two. Most of my meals go to waste. I'm not good at figuring out how to cook just enough for Robbie and I. Plus, I loathe grocery shopping because I never know what to make for us and get the most out of what I buy. Hopefully I can get it down before we start a family. I have a new appreciation for mothers and fathers who make dinner for their family every night. Holy Smokes. You rock.

This weekend was fun, we had game night with a couple in our ward the Woodlands. We played Settlers of Catan and I won, which is a huge deal- if you didn't know. We also tried a new food place called Thai Saim which was so-so, a little pricey for the quality. Then Saturday we went to the KU football game, which was so much fun! I am slowly learning the rules of football thanks to Brooke  and Robbie. Which, who woulda thought would make football wayyyy more interesting...?  Plus it's way more exciting to watch a football game when you know the quarterback. It was quite the nail biter of a game yesterday but thank goodness KU pulled out a win! We also purchased a new tv entertainment center thing-- do people still call them entertainment centers?-- Anyways, this was a really amazing purchase for me because...

I'm going to whine for just a second here,

I haven't bought one thing to decorate our living room since we've been here. Which is kinda a huge deal because I'm a spender. I love spending money, (poor Robbie, right?). But since we've started our new life here finances haven't been as loose as I was expecting--which has been really depressing for me.  like really depressing. Welcome to adulthood I guess. Well our living room is where I literally spend a good 75-85% of my awake time, so I've come to know every ugly, old, empty, wall space of that room very well. So our new tv center is making me soooo happy right now. It's giving me the spending bug that I've become so good at suppressing the last four months. I guess I better get used to suppressing it until...probably forever...because that is what a smart mature adult would do and use all their extra money towards their student debt, which we have plenty of. I really hate learning the realities of being "on our own" that I dreamed would bring me so much happiness but have actually brought me more stress than when we were students. ugh.

well...that's all for now.


My adorable cardigan wearing hubs.^^

Thursday, September 19, 2013


So we live in Kansas now. It's hard to try and consolidate all the new feelings, new experiences and different emotions I've gone through since we've been here. It has been a roller coaster. In just a couple of weeks we will have been here for 4 months! I can't believe its been that long. But the memories of our life in Utah do seem distant. I miss our old life everyday. We had the perfect life and all I did was complain and mope about Robbie not having a job yet. I feel so guilty about that now. If I could've foreseen what was in my future I think I would have probably said "no thank you, I'll stay here in Utah".

But moving to Lawrence, Kansas really has been such a wonderful experience so far. I never would've thought I would love it this much. Robbie and I have become closer, our relationship has never been better. We've made friends that we will be friends with forever. I've grown in ways I didn't want to grow, but I'm glad I have. I've relied on my Heavenly Father more than I ever have in my life. I am happy here. I have a lot of really good, great, awesome days. I also have a few bad days where I all I want is to go back and be around what is familiar. But all in all I'm grateful for a pretty smooth transition to a completely new life.

I've struggled a lot to figure out my purpose here. What should I do with my new life?  I just quit a job yesterday that I thought was perfect for me. That was rough. I could do hair, but I'm just not sure that's what I want. I've started doing eyelash extensions and that has been really awesome, so maybe I'll just pursue that 100%? But I'm just not sure that is what I want. Or should I get different job? I think the main thing I've noticed about myself since being in Kansas is my lack of motivation. Which is really not like me. I try to not be too hard on myself. I'm still adjusting. But I think my "adjusting" has just turned into laziness. It's time to just kick myself into gear and get busy with whatever I can. ugh.

 So the reason I decided to blog was because yesterday was a really hard day. I felt so down and bad for myself. I was reading this girl's blog and it kind of inspired me to start blogging again. I'm really not a great blogger, and I'm really not a good writer. So I feel really self-conscious about my writing which makes me not want to blog.  But I would like to keep writing about my life and experiences here in Kansas, mostly for myself, but for my family and friends too-- so they can keep up with what's new with us and a peek of what our life is like here. I can tell today feels nothing like yesterday,(answer to my prayers) I'm back to my regular self. I'm currently at McDonald's in Topeka using their wifi sitting next to two old couples who are drinking coffee and talking about their Catholic views on marriage and football. It's great. I'm in Topeka (about 25 minutes away from Lawrence) because the sisters in our ward needed a ride to the stake center. But instead of going home and then coming back to pick them up in a few hours I decided to just make it a party and go to McDonald's and blog. I think I'll go get a pedicure too.

Thanks for reading. I hope to keep up blogging a little bit. But no promises!