Thursday, December 12, 2013

Here's my Latest.

 Hello blog world. To be honest I haven't been doing very well lately. Not good, but not horribly bad either so don't worry too much. I've been feeling really insecure about myself in all sorts of ways. I think that's okay, it helps me work on my confidence and not letting others/situations get to me. But I really hate the feeling, ya know the feeling? Things that have contributed to my insecurities are: I started a new job here at a dental office, trying to make friends but not forcing it,  having new clients to please, gaining weight and trying to lose it, being in a calling at church that really challenges me, wanting to start a family but having to be patient-- I just feel like a fish outta water over here! 

I just need a place to write out what's going on in my life and for some reason the world wide web feels safe? I feel so disconnected from my old life in Utah. I miss it so much. So much. But I'm proud of myself for making this life in Kansas work. In a lot of ways, I wish I was doing better, I expected it to be easier by now. I think a big part of me is anticipating going home in a couple weeks and I'm worried. Going home will be so much fun but a lot of pressure too, to make every minute count.  I can't even think about our flight back to Kansas. I'll be a mess. I don't even hate it here, even though it sounds like it. I think I'm just a sensitive soul. I'm very sensitive to my family, and I guess you could say I'm highly sensitive to change. This week has just been a weird one for me. The three weeks before this I was so busy. I was training at the dental job so I was there almost full time on top of doing lashes. Then there was Thanksgiving, we had Robbie's sister here for a week. Which was the highlight of my time here in Kansas, we had so much fun and it felt so good to be with family. Last week and this week have been slower, this week especially. I've had too much time to think. I've done a lot of good reflection along with a lot of Sex and the City reruns.

I've been thinking about what my purpose is here in Kansas like I've mentioned before. Should I try doing hair for reals, like in a real salon with real scary clients? Should I just keep doing what I'm doing-- juggling lash clients with a dental office job? It's working out pretty good for the most part. I just don't want to regret not doing hair, but I just don't have it in me now to put myself through the pressure, it's like I want someone to hold my hand while I start cut and coloring hair on my own. I just see all my friends who are graduated from college some even going through their masters and I feel like a big fat failure. I know, I know, I have marketable skills of doing eyelash extensions and hair, but like I just said, I don't know if I will ever do hair. I'm pretty good at eyelashes but that's definitely not the highest aspiration I have for myself. I think being here has made me realize how badly I want to be a mom. Can I just be a mom now? I'm worried that once I become a mom, I'll regret not doing hair or something more with my 18 months of hair school and thousands of dollars of student debt.

I'm just going to keep on going and hope that I can make best of my life and that I'll be happy and satisfied. I have been blessed. I have grown so much while being here. It's been really hard. Have I said it's been really hard yet? Eventually, I would like to move on to the next stage of life, but I guess Heavenly Father knows I'm obviously still adjusting to this stage.


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